Facebook Status

§  decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

§  One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

§  When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

§  I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

§  sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.

§  X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

§  X  is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.

§  X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.

§  What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..

§  slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

§  wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.

§  X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

§  People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..

§  Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

§  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

§  WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.

§  ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

§  Dear Santa, let me explain…

§  I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

§  My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

§  If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.

§  Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.

§  Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

§  Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

§  Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

§  ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶

§  _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡

§  if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP

§  scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.

§  ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

§  Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

§  The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

§  Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.

§  i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.

§  Cut here —————–✄———————-

§  Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.

§  I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

§  People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.

§  Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.

§  Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

§  Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.

§  Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..

§  So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

§  X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.

§  Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.

§  You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.

§  Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.

§  I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

§  Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

§  I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?

§  X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!

§  Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

§  what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA

§  I’m not a racer….But i can fly.

§  press the star below and watch it glow 

§  ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 

click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.

§  I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.

§  Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

§  X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..

§  Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

§  I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

§  X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

§  X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

§  ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

§  Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

§  oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!

§  wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

§  X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

§  Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????

§  If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

§  eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.

§  I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

§  a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

§  ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

§  All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.

§  too cool for school.

§  trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

§  the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

§  –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.

§  definitely not watching what not to wear.

§  forcing my dog to learn how to google.

§  kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.

§  Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

§  X is Loading ████████████ 99%

§  Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

§  U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.

§  X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

§  Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.

§  I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.

§  In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”

§  X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

§  never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

§  a day late and a dollar short.

§  Insert coin to view my status message.

§  If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it:  It’s probably poison.

§  We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .

§  happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.

§  seen pictures of you naked on the internet.

§  remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

§  > $20 in my bank acct.  Drinks on you home.

§  20/20 hearing!